How can u ?

'I 'll think if we could be friend's !'

i read this and i was broke , the first thing that i did was i kept my mobile aside , took a shallow breath and then my eyes started getting moist , i didn't knew what to say and these few words appeared like tons of weight on my soul. first time ever a message made me cry , i pretended as if i am all strong and i 'll leave , but deep inside a pain of letting someone go was killing me  , all that stuff in my head went on a total blackout and i just said "am i soo bad now ?". i don't know !, may be i am , i screw all those close to me for no damn reasons and may be this is what i deserve, i don't deserve nice people anymore and maybe she is right.  

I said ," give me a good byee message , it 'll be easy for me to LEAVE then ", and you cannot imagine , while i was writing that , it looked everything stayed still , i just stopped suddenly when i wrote it then erased it and finally with loads on my heart i sent it and then cried and i am still to figure out why ?. 

nothing worked , all what i did , all what i said and i wonder how come ,just one action (for which i was not even allowed to give a justification ) overshadowed everything and burnt apart all that great relation and respect and care. does friendship means you got to say all what others need to hear , i screwed a little bit and see what it is now , no comeback seems possible to me. i read it somewhere "to test real friends, screw them up, and then see who's there ?", and i feel really afraid and insecure now that i am on the verge of losing my buddy. 

i don't know what it takes but dammit i want you back again , i want you to disturb me again for no good reason , my life's halted and i want you to stir the ingredients to make it perfect, i don't ask for an attention 24x7 what i need is that you guys just be there when i need a simple, small talk , that's it ! 

 i don't know if it's possible or not but common,  one chance is all i need . do i deserve it , ask yourself , i m on a hold :-( !