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Slough of de-spond

eyes cry
i laugh , i smile , i never cry , i say i am too strong , i say i can handle anything, i am the master of my emotions but then a sound deep inside echoes ,"who are u kidding?", and i say ,"myself". I get numb , i don't know why but ya i do, looks like i m all alone and my eyes speak it all and you know what i ferry through this gloomy lane everyday, sometimes i think i should quit but is it the real solution? , i don't know but at least i ll be free from loads of expectations and i ll no longer annoy people whom i care for, whom i live this life for , who are the source of my everyday excitement and happiness.

Nobody understood me and i don't expect people to understand me too, they ask, why do you laugh too much? ,and deep inside i say just to hide my tears, pain kills and it kills more when you have no one to share it , my laughter, my mindset this is just a way  to reduce it, just a way to suppress my everyday desolation, it helps me to ferry across the desert of dejection hoping to emerge with a little cheerfulness.

I found my happiness in helping my real friends , in solving their problems, in making them smile whenever they went low ,i myself went into the cave of despair seeing the tear in their eyes, their smile used to make my day and you know what now it looks as if my actions are annoying them, may be in the search of joy i overlooked my limits and went beyond the lane i was supposed to and it now burns me up inside.

It's fine with me, every time i think something's coming in flow and my life is back to normal, just then something happens ,something just strikes and i am compelled to enter the cave of trophonius ,that again the history is going to repeat itself. I don't know why my relations never work out , i always hurt people , i annoy them , i disturb them but with tears rolling down i wanna say i never ever meant it , please someone understand me , i am not that weird, i have feelings too , i too want excitement but if it hinders my friend's joy , i am ready to back off , i am ready to experience the slough of de-spond and yes i mean it .

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